The first thing I did when I got to New York

Was buy a bunch of vegetables. A cauliflower. Two carrots. Red cabbage. I love red cabbage.

I can't get over this feeling of having turned myself into a project, you know. Something driven, seeking out success, compromising at nothing. The homesickness didn't hit until Hudson. On an Amtrak. 37 hours. The sun looked gorgeous setting over the water, reflecting, slowly, slowly, slowly.

I want to be a wife and a mother and yet I keep thinking of something someone said to me once about Princeton Alumna who end up being mothers going by pennames, writing romantic novels and getting none of the acclaim.

I don't know what I want. I'm trying to listen really hard. For God. For my own voice, if I ever had one. I like to sing. I've been surprised lately that people like to listen. I would always wait until everyone left the house to go down to the piano for hours and hours and hours. I ate one of the carrots, raw. Fried two eggs with rose salt that turns blue. Wrapped them in red cabbage.

I've cut out so many processed foods. I still have pizza and candy and whatever on weekends, but it's a beautiful thing to be able to cut out the processed stuff to taste what something natrually, subtly sweet is like. This is why I'm crazy about media diet, too I think. You can't hear anything when you hear everything. I want a residency. I want to be in love. I want to be blue like water. Pure, unknown to all but the 15 people Mark Zuckerberg allegedly said you can only maintain a close relationship with at a time.

What is this feeling?